I can do Hard things

Well, here we are! Less than a week away from my long anticipated surgery and I feel about as ready as I think I’m ever going to. There have been subtle things happening in daily life that have been preparing me. “Hard” things by my standard that have reminded me that I can do hard things.

It started with my husband’s 4-day departure up the Hudson River for work this week turning into an 8 day one. You would think I would be used to these longish stretches of time without him by now, but I’m not. It doesn’t really get easier. And for reasons known and unknown, I have been excessively emotional this week so it felt extra catastrophic.

This also meant that I would now have to go to my pre-op appointment in New Jersey ALONE. No big deal right? Grown ups go to doctor’s appointments alone all the time. Yeah….but I don’t. If you read my last post, you know why, and it seemed the universe had constructed a plan to keep me from getting there. I had pelvic pain from what I suspect is a cyst on my ovary…(we’ll find out when I get cut open), I didn’t sleep a wink the night before leaving me wired and tired, and somehow the GPS broke on my phone. I had to kick it wayyyy old school with no map telling me when and where to turn, just a long list of directions like we used to have back in the MapQuest days. If you know NJ freeways, you know they’re hellish and the fact that I made it there without getting lost was a miracle.

 first, I had to go see my fertility doctor at their beautiful new clinic in Shrewsbury and then to the Hospital where I will be getting operated on in Red Bank for some blood and urine tests. I met the nicest lady in the elevator, probably just a few years older than me, and when we both got off on the same floor and headed straight for the door labeled “Damien Fertility Partners,” we smiled.

The waiting room at the fertility clinic is a really special place. I don’t really know anyone in my world that has dealt with infertility and all the host of emotions it brings, so those moments when I get to sit in a room full of women and couples filled with much of the same hope and longing that resides inside of me, even if we don’t speak, our smiles and glances speak a kind of understanding and acceptance.

I ended up chatting with the lady from the elevator for a while. We shared stories and I talked too much and too fast, as I tend to do, but she had such a warm and comforting presence that eased my nerves and calmed my heart. I was so grateful for her.

My heart did a little leap when I walked into the Red bank hospital. It was small and cozy, only three floors, large salt water fish tanks everywhere, great lighting, and it stood right on the water nestled in the cutest little town. And the best part, there’s a Whole Foods and Urban Outfitters only minutes away! Not that I’m going to be doing any shopping once my groggy stitched up self is discharged. But there was this strange feeling of warmth having things from my world, places that I love to go, so close to me in this foreign place. Andddd if I end up having to stay over night I can send Ryan on WH runs to get me whatever my heart desires. Because let’s be honest, there is no way in hell I’m eating hospital food. I see lots of Kevita drinks and coconut milk ice cream pops in my future.

I’m going to tell Ryan to take lots of pictures while we’re there. Pictures of everything. As dreaded as this surgery has been for me, it’s also a stepping stone towards becoming parents, and while I cannot sacrifice by body in child birth, and I know this surgery cannot compare to that, it’s still a sacrifice that I get to make for our baby. The scars on my abdomen, pain of recovery, sleepless nights riddled with anxiety in anticipation for this day, and the courage I will muster up to get myself there are all for you sweet child.

See you on the other side!

xx Christina