To be 29 and childless is no easy feat. Not necessarily
because I thought I would have a kid or two by now, although I did, and not
because infertility sucks, although it does, but mostly because I don’t know
where I fit in a world full of moms. I don’t belong to the “mom’s club.”
These are the prime baby breeding and rearing years. It
seems every woman in my age range either has a baby in her belly or one on her
hip (or both), and everywhere I go, whether it be the park for a jog, church, or
the gym, I end up on the outskirts of a conversation about #momlife, one that I
can’t relate to and know nothing about. I mean you can't get a group of women together without them inevitably trailing off into birth stories and breast feeding. I don’t covet there moments, or envy
their days. I know motherhood will grace my life at the perfect time, and
meanwhile I am soaking up every bit of spontaneity, adventure, and SLEEP that
mark my days. Life is good and I’m having fun. But…I don’t fit in, and know one
likes not fitting in.
I’m an anomaly. I feel like I’ve transported back to some awkward
stage of adolescent development, stumbling to find what table to sit at in the
cafeteria. Somewhere to glide in and settle, thrive and feel at ease.
While I am still perusing meaningful relationships and
community, I am finding peace in the possibility that maybe I won’t find my niche
in this season, my posse, my people. Maybe I’ll grow a little stronger in my
identity and get comfortable with being in a different stage of life than most
of my friends and women I know, confortable with not fitting in.
Motherhood will undoubtedly open up a whole new realm of
friendship possibilities for me. I’ll get invited to stuff I never did before,
schedule play dates, and plan outings with friends around feedings and naptime.
Maybe I’ll even post a pic of some dishes in the sink and toys scattered around
the house with #reallife, or a selfie of me holding my baby silhouetted by a
mound of freshly washed clothes and say…”the laundry can wait,” and all the
other iconic mom things that seem so weird to me now. I don’t know…maybe.
To all my mom friends that still make an effort to include
me in their world, thank you. For talking to me about other things besides
#momlife, and asking me questions about my own, thank you. I am so grateful.
