We moved into an RV!

I don’t know if this is normal. Does everyone’s life feel like it’s moving at a seemingly constant anarchic momentum? Sometimes whimsical…often just freaking bizarre and difficult? You feeling this? I like to try and see it as a cool coming of age- indie short film kind of vibe, lots of tension, good music, and the unexpected. No, we’re not that cool. But our lives have been that eventful.

 We were both ready to nestle into something really picturesque when we got the fortunate opportunity to move back to our hometown after almost 3 years in New York City. We were looking forward to the slow life of suburbia, comfort of old friends and family, and what we thought would be a season of easy living. A nice break from the chaos we had just endured filled with surgery, fertility treatments, bad roads and air pollution. We had finally caught up on the massive debt we had incurred seeing a fertility specialist, and the end was in sight.  Now we would enjoy the fruits of our labor, use our VA loan to purchase our first home, and settle into our new life.

Yeah, things didn’t go like that.

To sum up the last year, we ended up losing the embryo we had invested our lives into creating back in New York, devastating our hopes of a baby on the way and leaving our designated “baby room” feeling really, really empty. So the pursuit continued. More fertility treatments, new hope, more loans, more debt, and ultimately, a baby on the way. Thank God. I also started my Holistic Nutrition practice and stepped right into a booming cliental! So much yin & yang here.

In the midst of all that, we discovered undisclosed black mold on our subfloor, and I got bit by a Lyme infected tick. Both of which knocked me on my ass. I haven’t quite gotten up yet.

Less than a year later from purchasing our house, we found ourselves in so much debt we could barely breathe, in a home we resented for not telling us it had mold (I mean it should have said something), and with apparent unrealized dreams of something more. Something that involved land and room to roam, a reconstructing of priorities and a rolling away of the nouns that aren’t enriching us. We want to own acres littered with eatable life and people to create community with. We want to simplify and let go and make purposeful steps towards goals we assumed would be out of reach for another decade.

What could we do to get out of debt, and at the same time take giant leaps toward our goals as a family? Well, we needed cheaper rent, ideally, no rent. Hence, selling our house was step # 1.

So we spent thousands of dollars to remediate the fungus lurking beneath us and put our house on the market. Luckily it was a great time to sell, the market was high, and we had several offers within a week. Although we are walking away with far less than we put into the house, we are grateful to not be walking away empty-handed.

Step #2- Find somewhere to live that would accommodate the two of us, a 1 year old Australian Shepherd, and soon, a newborn baby. For cheap. Really cheap.

I first considered RV living 6 years ago after reading KatieRiddle’s blog, Riddlelove. Her and her family of 7 moved into a 5^th wheel trailer with the goal of paying off debt and ultimately becoming landowners. I remember really admiring the sacrifice they were making and loving the practicality of making home somewhere a little unconventional for a while as a means to an end.

So when the question of where we would live came about, I immediately presented the idea to my husband. Hey babe let's sell all out stuff and move into an RV! He was sold.

From there things moved at lightening speed, almost strangely so. Within a few weeks of making the decision, our house was in contract, we got approved for a loan to purchase our RV, did a great deal of searching for the perfect abode within our price range, and settled on a 2006 37 ft. trailer with 2 pop outs in Woodland, CA from a really sweet couple that had maintained the trailer beautifully.

We had our new home! Our fifth one in five years of marriage. We were so excited about what it represented for us, and it already had a special place in our hearts knowing we would be bringing our baby home to this place. We had, and still have an incredible amount of peace about the place we have landed, the steps that got us here, and whatever is to precede this season. So much so that we even feel greateful for the hard things. We didnt end up living in an RV because life has been really easy 😉 But when we trace back our steps through every hurdle and "rough patch," we see the purpose. We recognize the value. That has been HUGE for us during those moments when self-pity sets in and thoughts of "are we ever going to catch a break?!" arise. 
When sharing our circumstance with Ryans aunt, and voicing out loud that very thought, she responded with, what is to this day the most helpful thing anyone has said to us in this season, "hey, i'm in my 50's and i'm still waiting for my break." It was harsh and real, and exactly what I needed. Struggling is not unique to us, we didn't pull the short straw or win the crap lottery. Life is hard, and although I welcome seasons of easy living, and I hope we see one soon, we plan on riding whatever wave tries to knock us over and have as much fun as we can doing it. 

And right now, we feel like we are exactly where we are supposed to be, and that feels really good.

More to come on life in an RV, how we are faring in 250 square feet, preparing for a baby in a small space, and what it took to make a 5^th wheel a home (WORK!).

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Transfer Day!

Doing some back tracking here so I can document the sweet stuff.

Preparing for transfer day, with Jessi living out of state in Ohio, required a lot of strategy. It could have been a hot mess without the care and attention of our fertility doctor and her staff, which thankfully made the whole endeavor unravel seamlessly. Jessi worked with Aimee, our doctor here in San Ramon, via phone and email, dialing in her protocol, which included a cocktail of hormones and scheduled monitoring appointments that would take place in Ohio. These appointments mostly consisted of seeing how Jessi was responding to her medications based on the thickness of her lining, while also making sure everything was ideal for transfer (no fluid in her pelvis, etc.)

Once we nailed down a date that was best suited for transfer, we purchased Jessi’s plane tickets and shortly after she flew into SFO and landed in CA for the first time ever! We had that day to show her what we could of California’s glory. We walked around Pier 39, laughed at the sea lions, got a good glimpse of the Golden Gate bridge, and marveled at the rolling hills, all the while talking about how unreal it was that she was here, and that in just a short time we could find out we were going to be parents.

I was so nervous the next day, pacing around as we waited to leave, filled with so much angst, excitement, and expectation. When we arrived at the facility 30 minutes early, I was pleasantly surprised by the atmosphere; it was calm, colorful, and soothing. Nothing like the cold sterile environments you normally associate with medical offices. And we got called right back! We were greeted by the calm presence and loving embrace of Dr. Aimee and before I knew it we were all huddled in the procedure room about to make history.The assistants in the room were so sweet and everyone was very congratulatory, as if our baby was already known to us. There was so much love and expectation in the room, so much unity. My heart swelled and I was so thankful. I had no idea what to expect from this experience, but it ended up being so redemptive and a true gift to us.

They pulled up a magnified picture of our unthawed embryo, our shining star, on the screen. It was strange looking, almost like a bubble filled with lots of tiny bubbles inside. Or maybe a planet...something other worldly. It was abstract, and amazing, and the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Seconds later, as Ryan and I held each other close, hands intertwined, we watched as our little embryo floated across the screen and into Jessi’s uterus and into our hearts, like it was floating though space, suspended by gravity. We couldn’t stop smiling.

We all felt it. We had just created life, all of us together. 

We left praying the same prayer we had been praying for years; “God please bless us with a child.”

#throwback to when Sienna was a few cells!

moments before transfer <3

Beautiful Dr. Aimee in her element.

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Sienna Wild

I’m dusting off the cobwebs of this sacred space, one I wish I hadn’t abandoned for so long. I want to read back on the moments that have marked these last few months and re-live and soak in their beauty. I didn’t know if I would be documenting here again. But reading back on some of my first posts from years ago, and being completely taken back by the force of emotion behind the words, the grit, the pain, I was reminded of the gift that these stories are to me. If know one else, me. If it weren’t for these posts, I don’t think I would be able fully grasp the outrageous victory and undeniable miracle that is our growing child. Our daughter. Our greatest reward.

And for the mother in waiting who happens to stumble upon this space, I need you to know my ending, my beginning. It didn’t end with the struggle, we weren’t calcified in that place. By the grace of God we continued to place one foot in front of the other, when the odds were stacked against us, when hope felt like too much of a risk…

The realization of our pregnancy has been much more like a slow trickle than a mighty wave. I remember the day we found out we were having a baby, waiting for the call, barely breathing, afraid to shower because I might not be able to answer on the first ring. Deep inside I knew it was a yes. I knew our little embryo that we just a week earlier watched fly across the monitor like a shooting star and into our dear friends uterus would make a home there (more to come on that beautiful experience later).

When the yes was confirmed with 2 positive pregnancy tests and an HCGQ of 51, my heart felt like it was flying. I screamed in between tears words I don’t remember but that probably made little sense. We did it. It wasn’t in vain, suddenly everything we had been through to get to this moment felt easy somehow, I would do it all over again a hundred times to experience this gift of life that had just commenced. It all paled in comparison.

As time goes on she becomes more and more real to me. Sienna Wild Pann.

I’ll be hit with a wave of emotion passing by the baby isle at the Nugget, gently running my fingers across a onesie and feeling like I belonged there, in that place, looking at baby stuff. The isle’s I used to avoid I go out of my way to walk through now.  And each progressively large piece of fruit that she evolves into is another shock to my system…she is real. This is really happening.

I still don’t think I have had it though…that moment when it really hits me. Where all that was before her and the dreams of all that will come after her collide and I am drowned in the miracle of her existence, the beauty of our story, and the greatness of our God. But i'm waiting for it, i'm ready for it. 

PREGNANT!

Jessi & her sweet littles! She sent this to us they day we found out!

the proud big brother :) 

our first ultrasound pic and huge milestone-we could see the heartbeat! 

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