Sienna Wild

I’m dusting off the cobwebs of this sacred space, one I wish I hadn’t abandoned for so long. I want to read back on the moments that have marked these last few months and re-live and soak in their beauty. I didn’t know if I would be documenting here again. But reading back on some of my first posts from years ago, and being completely taken back by the force of emotion behind the words, the grit, the pain, I was reminded of the gift that these stories are to me. If know one else, me. If it weren’t for these posts, I don’t think I would be able fully grasp the outrageous victory and undeniable miracle that is our growing child. Our daughter. Our greatest reward.

And for the mother in waiting who happens to stumble upon this space, I need you to know my ending, my beginning. It didn’t end with the struggle, we weren’t calcified in that place. By the grace of God we continued to place one foot in front of the other, when the odds were stacked against us, when hope felt like too much of a risk…

The realization of our pregnancy has been much more like a slow trickle than a mighty wave. I remember the day we found out we were having a baby, waiting for the call, barely breathing, afraid to shower because I might not be able to answer on the first ring. Deep inside I knew it was a yes. I knew our little embryo that we just a week earlier watched fly across the monitor like a shooting star and into our dear friends uterus would make a home there (more to come on that beautiful experience later).

When the yes was confirmed with 2 positive pregnancy tests and an HCGQ of 51, my heart felt like it was flying. I screamed in between tears words I don’t remember but that probably made little sense. We did it. It wasn’t in vain, suddenly everything we had been through to get to this moment felt easy somehow, I would do it all over again a hundred times to experience this gift of life that had just commenced. It all paled in comparison.

As time goes on she becomes more and more real to me. Sienna Wild Pann.

I’ll be hit with a wave of emotion passing by the baby isle at the Nugget, gently running my fingers across a onesie and feeling like I belonged there, in that place, looking at baby stuff. The isle’s I used to avoid I go out of my way to walk through now. And each progressively large piece of fruit that she evolves into is another shock to my system…she is real. This is really happening.

I still don’t think I have had it though…that moment when it really hits me. Where all that was before her and the dreams of all that will come after her collide and I am drowned in the miracle of her existence, the beauty of our story, and the greatness of our God. But i'm waiting for it, i'm ready for it.