Week One Down!

This week has been really exciting as we began the next big step in our journey-ovarian stimulation!

A few weeks ago I received a huge box in the mail full of gaudy looking syringes, tiny bottles of powdered hormones, a biohazard box, and lots of directions that read like Russian. I was overwhelmed. But after our training appointment, I felt so much more at ease and my scary foreign box suddenly became manageable. A seasoned friend recommended we record the whole training on our phone so we could play it back at home if we got confused, and that proved to be a huge help- even though our nurse was embarrassed that we filmed her :) 

The first night of injections was a little intimidating. I am not particularly afraid of needles, I’ve been poked more times than a pin cushion and in my yonder years jammed a few safety pins through various parts of my body for esthetic purposes, but operating a syringe was a new one for me. More than that, I carried some anxiety about the potential side effects the hormones would have on me. I am exceptionally sensitive to medication- I once took a Tylenol P.M. and manically paced around my house for hours convinced I was on the verge of a system fail… and my stimulation process was supposed to begin with 10 days of birth control to rest the ovaries and dissolve any existing cysts…but just one pill made me nauseated with stomach cramps so my doc let me skip that phase. Which is awesome except that I had to get a cyst on my ovary aspirated. That sucked. straight up needle through my vaginal wall- and that's all I'll say about that...

I was told my lower stomach (below my belly button), or the back of my thigh would be my best options. After watching Ryan blend me a hefty cocktail of Gonal-f and Menopur divided into 2 syringes, I mustered up some courage and slowly slid the half-inch needle through my tummy and pushed the cool liquid through my pinched skin. It ended up not being nearly as bad as I expected, so I was met with a wave of relief and the kind encouraging eyes of my sweet husband as he said “good job babe! You’re so brave!” Ryan despises needles, so to him, I look like a base jumper :)

This has become our routine every night around 7 p.m. Ryan mixes as I sit and watch. We chat and he stands by as I inject, and I’ve actually come to look forward to this time we have together.

So far I have only experienced minor side effects that have been unpleasant, but very manageable, and I am thrilled. It’s also hard to know what is a direct effect of the hormones and what is happenstance, but my main symptoms have been, tension headaches, slight nausea, sensitive stomach, abdominal pain, and twinges on and around my ovaries. And let’s not forget…emotional! I’ve cried a lot the last few days, and I know this is just the beginning, because this is an emotional journey, in every sense of the word.I know there are parts of it that I will work through in layers. There will be moments of sadness, disappointment, failed expectations, and frustration. I have experienced all of these this week, deeply. But I know…I KNOW…. That what I am sowing in tears I will reap in joy. I am in need of copious amounts of grace to let go of the things I can't control and trust God with my hurts and the many unknowns that await us. All that to say, we are getting closer! And our biggest adventure awaits us.

My next appointment is on Monday for blood work and an ultrasound to see how my follicles are developing and if everything is progressing nicely, we can expect egg retrieval to be on or around the 28^th of this month. Umm…that’s like next weekend!!! So excited :)

This week I have also been reflecting on the immeasurable amount of love and support we have received, and continue to receive on this journey. We learned a few weeks back that having a baby is basically going to cost us a small fortune (to us anyway), and that we just couldn’t do it alone. So we made a support page and have literally been left speechless by the generosity of friends, family, and strangers. We still have a ways to go, but what has been given so far has completely covered the cost of the medication needed for egg retrieval. We are so grateful, humbled, and in awe. We couldn’t walk this journey alone, and thankfully, we don't have to.




A few of my favorite texts from a few of my favorite people-one's I read again and again.

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The Glowing, Great, and Ugly

As exciting as this all as, as grateful as I am for this journey, sometimes I feel really sad. The deeper we get in this process, the more the logistics pile up- thousands upon thousands of dollars being spent, countless appointments, pricks and pokes, hard conversations I could have never fathomed having. And sometimes I am hit anew with the reality of our situation, how incredibly arduous becoming parents has been and just may be. And sometimes I wish it were easier. I wish our story could be a different one.

 And deep deep down….I know this is silly. When I really look up and gain some perspective, I know every detail of our lives is being cared for and that this is all bigger than us, it’s bigger than we may ever know.  When I consider the brevity of life and the joy that awaits me in the next one, I can take a deep breath and relax. I can be free of expectations and feelings of entitlement…to a “normal” life and even, motherhood. I can grasp, if only for a second, that I am meant to live this life in full surrender and to seize every opportunity to trust Him more, to grow in love, and become more akin to my suffering savior.

But there are days…

Days when I receive a giant box in the mail filled with medicines and syringes I know nothing about. I am instantly overwhelmed by the rigorous schedule of self-inflicting pain that awaits me.

Days when I spend hours on the internet seeking out a lawyer that will write up contracts and legal documents, some of which will ensure our child is ours by right when it ‘s born. The thought of needing a piece of paper to be recognized as my child’s mother hurts my heart.

Days when I grasp that my child’s existence is dependent upon another human being outside of my husband and I. I don’t want to need anyone; I want to do it myself.

Days when I wallow in “what ifs” and the possibility that all of this...ALL of this, may not end with a baby, there are no guarantees. And that’s what really does me in.

I say all this with the notion that I’ll probably feel much better in the morning. And I know this post is a bummer. But this is a space to document the whole of my journey, the glowing, great, and ugly.

And shout out to my better half..who wipes my tears, gives the best pep talks, and has consistently without wavering remained thankful, full of faith, and at peace with whatever lies ahead for us. He will, undoubtedly be the best dad on planet earth. 

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