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My Baby Shower


I have dreamed about this day for years, the day I would be showered. I filed it away with all the other sacred moments I couldn't wait to have one day. I woke up this morning with butterflies in my stomach in disbelief that I would be attending MY baby shower that day, one of my dreams would be coming to life, and most everyone I loved would be there. 

I picked out an outfit that made me feel beautiful and planned how I would do my hair months prior My mom and mother in law graciously planned my shower and put so much love and intention into every detail. There were lots of flowers, textures, bright colors, and gluten free/ dairy free food. It felt like me and I walked around savoring every detail before the guests arrived. 

I got so many good hugs, adorable and amazingly generous gifts for our baby, and sincere well wishes for our adventure ahead. I was surrounded by people I love and that love me, mothers I admire and will glean from, friends that are like sisters, and sisters that are my best friends, and a room full of people that have prayed relentlessly and fought beside me to become a mother. I couldn't have asked for more.

all pics taken by the beautiful, sweet, amazing Amy from: http://loveslandingphotography.com

M O T H E R H O O D
Sweet nephew Miles <3
And carry you home we shall baby girl 
So much love for this girl
Justine, my sweet niece
Sisters 
 
Sienna Wild
DAD
Mama, the Queen of my heart
Best friends for 18 years
Mother in Love, I love you
S I S T E R S

Blessed beyond measure by you Laura






















Breastfeeding without Birthing

Inducing lactation has given me such a sense of purpose in this season of rest and recovery. I’m not getting a lot done these days, and that’s okay. I’m still healing from mold toxicity from our old home (more about that here), and a Lyme infection passed onto me by a punk ass tick. The combination of these two things has left me with a tiny tiny fraction of the energy and stamina I’m used to having- so I spend a lot of time CHLLIN. I keep my schedule as bare as possible and I’m taking a break from anything “extra” in my life, even the extras I love! Which is hard. And while the world still demands more from me than I have the capability to give at the moment, pumping asks very little of me-just lots of time (which I have plenty of), determination, and commitment.  It makes me feel productive in a time when I am doing almost nothing except self-care (yoga, coffee enemas, detox baths, meditation, food prep, etc.) I am making nourishing milk for my baby! And that’s more than enough productivity for me.

So how’s it going? On an emotional level, I am LOVING it. On a good day, I pump 8-10 times a day for 15-20 minutes at a time (it’s a full-time job). My insurance amazingly covered my breast pump, so naturally I got the best one I could find. I ended up with the Medela Pump in Style advanced breast pump. It retails for around $300.00 on Amazon and came with everything I needed to start pumping upon opening. I’ve set up a little “stew” station as I like to call it on my bed with my “pump pack” set up right next to me. I’ve gotten to know my pump pretty well over the last few weeks- in fact, it’s become my “breast friend!” That was so bad. I’m sorry. I use my pumping time to mindfully relax and meditate on motherhood, my daughter, and pay homage to the maternal spirit bubbling up inside of me in anticipation for my daughter’s arrival. And sometimes I just scroll through Instagram 😜 But I really do try to keep it a sacred time.

Upon recommendations from several blogs and informational posts online, I purchased a book called Breastfeeding without Birthing. I ATE up that book maybe faster than any piece of writing I’ve ever consumed. It spoke to me on so many levels, and genuinely changed my life.  The best part was it was written for ME! For the first time I didn’t have to mentally change the words in order to fit my situation, I didn’t feel out of place in this book or like the minority. It acknowledged and comforted my wounds and insecurities, and celebrated and empowered me as a mother. It was full of stories from moms who have successfully breastfed their babies and shared the most beautiful experience with their little ones while doing it.  One of the many things this book shared that resonated with me was how inducing lactation was kind of like our “pregnancy.” It was a labor of love driven by a deep maternal desire to grow, nurture, and bond with our babies. It said how breastfeeding kind of “leveled the playing field” for special mom’s like me.  I’m doing something that all the other mom’s can do-and suddenly my “broken “pieces don’t matter so much anymore. Inducing lactation has made me love and appreciate my body in a new and healing way. I have a sense of pride about what it can do, and I find myself cheering my body on internally and accepting it for exactly where it’s at in the moment.

I mean…wow! It feels like breakthrough in an area of me life I’ve been hacking away at for a long, long time. I am so grateful for this experience.

This book also assured me that regardless of how much or how little milk I produce; I am a SUCCESSFUL BREASTFEEDING MOTHER. All caps because after reading this, a thousand pounds of pressure was lifted off my chest. It explained how breastfeeding is just as much about nurturing your baby at the breast and facilitating a biological bond as it is about feeding. And regardless of how much milk you produce, every drop is worth gold to your child as it contains all of the same immune boosting, life giving properties as a drop of milk from a full breast. It’s a “breast half full perspective” and one I think so many moms can benefit from having, even those who have given birth but struggle with a low milk supply.

And then there are the parts where I just cried. And cried. And those were the parts about the “fourth trimester.” This is the idea that the first 3-months of a babies life are very much an extension of life in the womb for a baby. An extension that I get to be present for, every single second. It went through all the ways I can take the torch and carry on this precious time and “re-set” my babies start in life. Some of these include, co-sleeping, co-bathing, and my favorite, baby wearing. The book called baby wearing a “womb with a view,” and explained how it is much like a babies experience in utero. Sweetest words I’ve ever heard.  It’s an opportunity to feel like I am pregnant with Sienna, place my hands on top of my rounded belly, the belly I’ve always dreamed of, and feel the gentle movements and sways of my baby inside. UGH! The beauty of it is too real for me right now guys.

Wow, back to inducing lactation! So I am a few weeks in and seeing lots of positive changes in my nipples and breasts. My breasts feel fuller and nipples more erect and hard, and just yesterday I saw my first drops of milk, colostrum, or some kind of milky looking fluid!! What a sight to behold! I expect to see things flowing more steadily in another 3 weeks or so, and next week I will start incorporating lactation herbs. I am also doing breast massage as often as possible and a few other techniques outlined in the book. My nipples are sore and my boobs hurt, but nothing more than what I had anticipated.

I loved writing this. Thank you for listening! Gonna go pump now 😊


Meet Jessi!

Considering most of you won’t have the chance to meet Jessi in person (she lives in Ohio), I thought it would be fun to introduce her to you in this way, tell you a bit about how we met, and have her share some of what this journey has been like from her perspective.

Meet Jessi! The person behind “the bump.”







Jess and I met in New York City through the Coast Guard. Her husband, like mine, is active duty and we were both stationed on Staten Island, the city that affectionately captured our mutual disdain.


Our first year in NY, Ryan was stationed at sector New York, which despite some of it’s perks (getting to be color guard for NY Ranger games, easy commute, etc.) was a rough place to clock in everyday. When he got the opportunity to go underway on an icebreaker for a few weeks, I was both sad and lonely and really excited for Ryan-he was going to get his “sea legs!” Ryan ended up fitting in really well with his shipmates, most notably Logan, Jessi’s husband and Ryan’s supervisor, and although the work was hard and hours long, he felt fulfilled and was learning a ton.


Ryan found favor with the captain of the boat, and when it was almost time for him to head back to his unit, the captain asked Ryan if he would want to join the crew permanently and spend the remainder of his tour (about a year and a half) on the Penobscot Bay.

I remember having a conversation with Ryan during that time and telling him I didn’t know why I wanted him to stay on the boat, it meant him commuting to New Jersey instead of the short drive from our house to sector, it meant going underway for weeks at a time and an unpredictable schedule. But despite all the obvious deterrents, it felt just right. Looking back I really believe the root of that peace stemmed from what would become our special relationship with Logan, Jessi, and their family.

I remember the first time Jessi and I really had the chance to connect. It was family day on the boat so Jess and I decided to car pool together on the two hour trek to Westport where our husbands were moored up. Conversation was easy and I took a liking to Jess immediately (I like to think the feeling was mutual 😉). She’s a West Virginia girl with a southern accent and says y’all a lot, drinks sweet tea and cries when she hears the national anthem. Even though she is only a few years my senior, she has a “mama bear” thing about her that I loved and felt covered by.


We chatted the whole way there and back about life, our backgrounds, CG life, and at some point the infamous question came; Do you and Ryan want kids? This was at a time when infertility still burned like a salt soaked open wound. I wasn’t blogging or sharing our journey openly and was very guarded with whom I opened up to about the details of our situation. Most days I would have replied to that question with, yep! Sure do! And left it at that. But that day I didn’t. That day I unraveled our story, from a cervical cancer diagnosis to radiation treatments that left my uterus in tact but potentially unable to sustain a pregnancy. I told her how I grieved and still grieve the fact that going through fertility treatments and growing our baby with the help of a gestational carrier would likely be our only shot at a biological child.

Jess listened and she was sweet and sincere and I felt safe.

Time went on and Ryan and I continued to grow in relationship with Jessi, Logan, and their cutie pie little’s, Hailey and Peyton. I recall one time walking down the pier in Staten Island with Ryan and discussing all that was ahead for us to become parents, and what was at the time, the biggest hurdle of all-who the heck is going to carry our baby?? I told him, you know who would be perfect, Jessi! She was steady and solid, an amazing mom and wife, loves Jesus, and had a great marriage. It seemed like a pipe dream in my head, I would never in a million years ask Jessi or anyone for that matter to carry our baby. I prayed from the beginning that whoever was to do this would feel a deep call from the Holy Spirit to walk this journey with us, and would approach me. But when I said it out loud, it felt real. I was given the faith to ask God, if this is something you have called Jess to, please reveal it to all of us!

It wasn’t but a few weeks later that Jess wrote me a message that started off something like this “So this is kind of awkward and I’m not exactly sure how to approach this but….” She went on from there to tell me how she felt like God had laid it on her heart to offer herself as a gestational carrier for us.” And me…I just sat there wide eyed staring at the screen like “is this real?!” See this came to us at a dark time for me. I had healed pretty miraculously from the treatments I received to eradicate the wayward cells on my cervix, most notably I was never ever supposed to have a period again, not because I wouldn’t ovulate, but because the radiation essentially zapped the lining of my uterus so much that I would have nothing to shed every month. But just two months after my last radiation treatment, I bled. A teeny bit, but I had a period. And my flow increased month after month and almost 6 years later I have completely normal periods and have not missed a single one since. I say all this because although I was told from the beginning of all this that carrying a pregnancy was a concrete “NO,” the rather miraculous regeneration of the lining of my uterus (no doctor I’ve encountered has ever seen this happen before) was a game changer for us, and even the doctors I presented our situation to had a glimmer of hope, a pregnancy just might be possible for me. So I drank red raspberry leaf tea like it was water and did castor oil packs over my uterus nightly, and all that I knew how to do to continue to strengthen my uterus. When the time came, and we were ready to start taking action steps towards starting a family, we had to know…what was my uterus capable of?? Would I defy the odds and end up in the medical literature as the first woman to carry a pregnancy to full term after radiation treatment to the uterus? We believed I would be.

Long story short (and you can read more about it here), a hefty procedure and a real intimate look at my uterus revealed so.much.scartissue. So much that my chances of an embryo implanting were slim, and the chance of carrying a pregnancy full-term was even slimmer, and the chances of a ruptured uterus and miscarriage were high. So high that my fertility doctor was not even willing to perform an IVF on me as a pregnancy presented too many risks to my life.

I wasn’t devastated. I really wasn’t, I had already grieved this loss. But I was left directionless and without vision for what would come next. I was living across the country relatively disconnected from my friends, family, and most everyone I knew. Most of my friends were wither pregnant, with a newborn and a plan to have more children, or haven’t had a baby of their own yet, and not many other people in this world even knew we had a need for a surrogate.

I read Jessi’s message at a time when I was staying up in the wee hours of the night looking up surrogacy agencies crying over my keyboard knowing this was not my story, but I just wanted to be doing something to feel like we were moving closer to having a baby.

I cried tears of joy, wrote her back something that probably consisted of a few words and a ton of exclamation marks and emoji’s, and we made a date to meet to talk about the many, many logistics that go into something like this.

Years and a failed attempt later, here we are. God, I still can’t believe we are here.

Going through this experience with Jess has been a dream, and better than I even imagined it would be. She celebrates me as an expecting mother, keeps me posted on every detail, is sensitive to my heart and needs, and is over the moon excited for us to become parents. Having her share in our joy and find so much purpose in her journey growing our little means the world to me.

So I thought it would be fun to ask Jess a few questions to get to know her and hear some of what this experience has been like from her vantage point


What do you do for fun? Hobbies?

I enjoy spending time with my husband and kids Hailey (8) and Peyton (6). We love hiking with our chocolate lab, Dallas, exploring new places, and going to zoos and museums. My personal hobbies are running, exercising, reading, baking and attempting to learn to sew.


If someone told you 10 years ago that you would be a surrogate what would you have said?

While I would like to say I would have thought, "that's awesome".... considering I was finishing up college and we weren't ready to have kids ourselves, I probably would have thought, that's crazy and wouldn't work with our ever changing life! This has definitely been proof that God is in full control and has a plan for our lives even if it is something that has never even crossed our minds!



What made you decide to be a surrogate for R&C? Was it an easy decision?

My decision to become a surrogate for Ryan and Christina was not made lightly. When Logan and I initially talked about the idea of becoming a surrogate, there were a lot of concerns and questions. What were the risks of having a 3rd C section, how would it effect our kids, was I willing to put going back to work aside to see the whole process through, could I emotionally handle handing a child over after birth even though it wasn't mine, sooo many questions! Despite all the uncertainty and questions though there was a desire in my heart to help our dear friends bring one of the greatest gifts into their life. I knew R and C had tried everything and exhausted every path to bring a child of their own into their world and I also knew I was still young enough and healthy enough to help them. So with much prayer and discussion with Logan we decided that the only thing to do was to dive in and begin this journey with our sweet friends.



What do your kids and husband think about what you're doing? Has it changed your life at home?

My kids and husband have been supportive from the minute I mentioned the idea. Of course it did take some explaining to my kids that they would see me carry a baby for 9+ months but the baby wouldn't be coming home with us; however, after explaining the fact that Miss Christina couldn't carry a baby and this would be the only way for her and Mr. Ryan to have their own baby, they were both instantly on board. As for my husband, Logan, he is always my biggest supporter, even of my craziest ideas ❤. His only concern was my health and after confirming with my doctor that the only risks were those that normally came along with a C-section, the same risks I took with our own children, he was on board as well.

It has changed our life at home in some ways...the kids help out a lot more since I'm constantly getting short of breath from walking up the steps, Logan has been doing the majority of the cooking to prevent me from getting nauseated. There have been things that the 3 of them do that I can't physically do but they understand that it's temporary and the end result will be life changing for our friends!



What's your favorite thing about being a surrogate?

By far my favorite thing about being a surrogate is the thought of seeing the doctors hand this precious baby girl to our friends who have cried, begged, and diligently prayed for a child of their own.



What has been your biggest challenge being a surrogate?


My biggest challenge being a surrogate is trying to keep up with my kids at a normal pace. I want to keep everything as normal as possible for them. There have been some setbacks with extreme nausea in the first trimester and now dealing with back pain and shortness of breath but all in all I think I'm doing pretty good and can't think of too many things that I haven't been able to do with them.



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