2014 is on its last leg and I’m not too sad to see it go.
It’s been an upstream without a paddle type of year, and I’m tired and my feet
are wet. But running parallel to this tousled tide I’ve been getting tossed
around in is a stream brimming with promises, each becoming realized in good
and perfect time. I believe that.
This journey we are on, the one to becoming parents, is
kinda crazy. Life is crazy. I am crazy. When I get tensed up thinking about
some of the more difficult legs that are ahead for me, I remind myself that
this journey is a gift to us.
It is meant to teach us things, reveal, restore, and redeem, and I know the
only way to take in this experience is to completely let go of any control I
foolishly thought I had. If I can do that, I just might be able to have some
funnnnn.
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I am completely in love with the emblem I found for this
blog. I am probably making myself susceptible to some kind of copyright
infringement by using it, because it’s not mine and I didn’t design it, but I
feel like I was meant to find it. That will hold up well in court right? :) It’s a silhouette of a
matryoshka doll, which in Russian comes from a root word meaning “mother.”
Inside the figure are mountains, hills, and a maze of what I imagine to be
footpaths all stretching in different directions. When I look at this image I
see a pilgrimage, a long and arduous journey to a sacred place. I see divine order
in chaos, I see beauty, I see my journey to motherhood. It’s not straight and
simple, and it’s not easy, but the greatest adventures never are.
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If you have kept up on my posts, you might recall me
mentioning that prior to undergoing treatments for cervical cancer, I underwent
surgery to have my ovaries transposed. This means that in order to keep my
ovaries from being affected by the radiation to my cervix, I had them relocated
to higher ground out of the “radiation zone” to preserve their quality and
function. There was no guarantee this would work, and we were given the option
to retrieve and fertilize my eggs prior to treatments to ensure our ability to
reproduce. Considering Ryan and I weren’t married yet and wouldn’t be for well
over a month, we had zero peace about joining our eggs and sperm together. We
both prayed and felt like we were to trust God to protect my ovaries, and
surprise! He did :) I
have ovulated normally every month for the last 3 years.
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Since meeting with a few fertility doctors we have learned
that my doctor not only moved my ovaries high, she was a bit of an over
achiever and moved them really high! After three attempts it became obvious
that they could not be seen or accessed vaginally, which is an absolute must
for the egg monitoring and retrieval process. Luckily, our current fertility
doctor, who has the gentlest voice and a strange resemblance to Robin Williams,
is also a skilled and experienced surgeon. He assured us that he could safely
move my ovaries back down to an accessible location convenient for egg
retrieval. Can someone get my ovaries some frequent flier miles please?? The
goal is to accomplish this laproscopically, but it may need to be done with a
single large cut at the base of my pelvis, which will require a night in the
hospital and a bit more of a recovery time. After a few months of processing,
planning, and prepping, we have finally scheduled my surgery for January 14th
of 2015.
I am thrilled about this relatively simple solution to
making egg retrieval, and ultimately a BABY possible, but I am also scared. To
get really real, I have what I can only describe as a gnarly case of PTSD. What
I went through 3 years ago, although it felt strangely manageable at the time,
left some weighty residual effects on my psyche. I often enter into a complete
panic just going to my primary care’s office for an annual check up. I loathe
hospitals and if you’re wearing a white coat and stethoscope around your neck
you may as well be holding a pitchfork and breathing fire. I had some really
rough days within those white walls and those moments have become a lens in
which I see all “medical” experiences, both present and future. This is not
okay. I know that. And to be honest I have not been diligent at doing my part
to slay this monkey on my back, and have gotten myself into an autonomic
pattern of fearful and “doom” like thinking. That’s real. But I will not be
calcified in this place. This is not who I am and even in the midst of this
fear stricken valley, I know God’s plan of redemption for my life is still unfolding
just as He planned, I believe that. I believe that in my weakness, He is
strong. So I’m going back into those white walls, this time on my own terms,
and I’m going to do it afraid. I am believing that in the very place the enemy
tried to steal and kill and destroy, God is going to heal, redeem, and restore.
And when I don’t believe it I will declare it, and sometimes shout it. Let
freedom ring.
Also... pray for me pleaseeeeee :)
Also... pray for me pleaseeeeee :)
