It’s been a long time since I’ve updated here…or anywhere really. I haven’t
felt much like writing although there is so much to say. I have neglected my
blogs and nestled into an unintentional hiatus from anything extra in my life.
I’ve never been good at juggling, although Lord knows I’ve tried, but this
season is requiring my full attention as I prepare for big days ahead. So it’s
the bare minimum for now. Work, hygiene, meals, repeat.
Things
have been slow going in this process for a while and then all at once there has
been movement.
The
last few months have unfolded in unexpected ways. They have revealed so much,
stolen, and given back and ultimately offered us a gift greater than I could
have ever imagined.
Since
the day I was told I would be unable to carry a child, I have gone through
seasons of all-encompassing grief so fierce it swallowed me up. I have touched
my womb and believed with absolute certainty that it would one-day house a tiny
soul and that I would feel the kicks and sways of my unborn baby there. I have
had doubt, I have had fear, I have wondered why.
We
went into this journey not knowing what the outcome would be. I carried my
dreams close to my heart; afraid even to tell my fertility doctor the hopes I
had for my body, in fear that he would laugh. I believed I would be a miracle.
•
• •
It
only took a few appointments for us to realize carrying a baby would not be an
option for me. Not now. I felt squished at first, but truthfully, it didn’t
last long. I am all too aware of what my body has been through, and it pains me
at times. But when I look at my tummy and I see the tiny incisions across my
abdomen where my ovaries made a voyage from down low to up high out of the
radiation zone before I began treatments, I see the silver lining. To be alive
in such a time as this, where what could have been lost was protected, safe
guarded, and preserved…I am humbled, grateful, in awe. My eggs are safe, alive
and well, and we are still able to have a biological child.
For
years I have known that our child may be born through a gestational carrier. And
although it has been heart breaking at times, I prayed for her. I asked God to
bring her to me. I have stayed up nights wondering how He would do it, when so
few people even knew my story and our potential need. Would he give someone a
dream about me and lay it on their heart to carry my baby? Would I have to solicit
myself on Facebook? Hold a sign on a street corner? I wish I would have trusted
Him, but some of my lowest points were hours spent on the internet searching
out surrogacy agencies and wiping tears from MY key board as I imagined a
stranger carrying our baby as we tried to breathe under a mountain of debt.
This can’t be my redemption story. It just can’t.
And
then, when I had finally relinquished it all, He brought her to me.
Jessi.
The Lords gift to us.
There
is so much I want to say about Jessi and how divinely orchestrated our
relationship has been. But I will save that for another post :) I will say that God answered every prayer and has given us more than we could
have known to ask for. He brought me things in Jessi that I have only expressed in silent appeals in my heart.
So,
for the few of you that will read this post, Ryan and I are so excited to
announce that we are in the process of having a baby with a gestational carrier!
Although
I know this journey will bring an influx of emotions and expose new areas of
my heart that need healing and love, I am so overjoyed about this process. I
don’t feel cheated or like I am getting second best. God has brought us a
miracle through Jessi and to have the opportunity to become parents in this way
is mind blowing for us both. We are so grateful.
There
are many steps in between now and a pregnancy, some that are daunting for me.
But we are taking it one day at a time, one step at a time, and trusting God
for all that is intangible right now. Which is everything.
• • •
Life
is continuously teaching us to adjust our sails. The winds have changed but the
destination remains the same. We are going to be parents! Sure it looks different
than we thought it would, but I don’t feel like a fool for the years I spent believing
God for a pregnancy. I will never regret having faith for the impossible. My
tears sowed something, I know that, and I am confident we are reaping Gods
best.
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