The Glowing, Great, and Ugly

As exciting as this all as, as grateful as I am for this journey, sometimes I feel really sad. The deeper we get in this process, the more the logistics pile up- thousands upon thousands of dollars being spent, countless appointments, pricks and pokes, hard conversations I could have never fathomed having. And sometimes I am hit anew with the reality of our situation, how incredibly arduous becoming parents has been and just may be. And sometimes I wish it were easier. I wish our story could be a different one.

 And deep deep down….I know this is silly. When I really look up and gain some perspective, I know every detail of our lives is being cared for and that this is all bigger than us, it’s bigger than we may ever know.  When I consider the brevity of life and the joy that awaits me in the next one, I can take a deep breath and relax. I can be free of expectations and feelings of entitlement…to a “normal” life and even, motherhood. I can grasp, if only for a second, that I am meant to live this life in full surrender and to seize every opportunity to trust Him more, to grow in love, and become more akin to my suffering savior.

But there are days…

Days when I receive a giant box in the mail filled with medicines and syringes I know nothing about. I am instantly overwhelmed by the rigorous schedule of self-inflicting pain that awaits me.

Days when I spend hours on the internet seeking out a lawyer that will write up contracts and legal documents, some of which will ensure our child is ours by right when it ‘s born. The thought of needing a piece of paper to be recognized as my child’s mother hurts my heart.

Days when I grasp that my child’s existence is dependent upon another human being outside of my husband and I. I don’t want to need anyone; I want to do it myself.

Days when I wallow in “what ifs” and the possibility that all of this...ALL of this, may not end with a baby, there are no guarantees. And that’s what really does me in.

I say all this with the notion that I’ll probably feel much better in the morning. And I know this post is a bummer. But this is a space to document the whole of my journey, the glowing, great, and ugly.

And shout out to my better half..who wipes my tears, gives the best pep talks, and has consistently without wavering remained thankful, full of faith, and at peace with whatever lies ahead for us. He will, undoubtedly be the best dad on planet earth.