Still Good

Today was supposed to be the day our little embryo, our one, was transferred into our dear friend and gestational carrier. Yesterday we got the call that our embryo did not survive the unthawing process.  We were shocked, speechless, confused, heart-broken. All we could do was cry. We were so expectant, so full of faith for this. Every detail was in place, contracts have been made, we have exhausted our savings and nearly maxed out our credit card. I’ve endured countless pokes, prods, and a major surgery, all for this day, all to become a mother. And instead of rejoicing in a new life, today I grieve. I cry for my husband who desperately wants to be a father, for a dream that seems so out of reach, and for the death of an idea, a picture of the way we believed so unflinchingly life would go. But it didn’t. What do you do when there are no answers to all your questions and God doesn’t come through the way you thought He would? Trying to make sense of the last few years, everything we have gone through is fruitless, I’m learning that. So I have to keep coming back to what I do know. God is still good. I am crushed, but not without hope.

We are still processing this news, and trying to sort out our emotions, which is basically like a full time job. Things can get dark pretty quick up in my brain right now if I don’t keep tabs on it and continually replete my soul with truth.

Where do we go from here? We are essentially back at square one. Jessi is now across the country from me without our embryo, which makes the potential for her carrying for us in the future a very, very complicated, if not impossible scenario, and I would have to begin the egg retrieval process all over again. This is daunting for me, but we have zero peace about giving up here. We will keep fighting for this dream as long as God puts the fight in us. There are so many unknowns in our future, and sometimes this feels impossible, financially & emotionally. BUT GOD. That’s all we have right now, and that’s enough, it’s gotta be.

I know there are so many of you that are so invested in this journey of ours, financially, spiritually, and emotionally, and I cry for you too. I really don’t have words for what your love & support has meant to us.