Ready or Not

2014 is on its last leg and I’m not too sad to see it go. It’s been an upstream without a paddle type of year, and I’m tired and my feet are wet. But running parallel to this tousled tide I’ve been getting tossed around in is a stream brimming with promises, each becoming realized in good and perfect time. I believe that.

This journey we are on, the one to becoming parents, is kinda crazy. Life is crazy. I am crazy. When I get tensed up thinking about some of the more difficult legs that are ahead for me, I remind myself that this journey is a gift to us. It is meant to teach us things, reveal, restore, and redeem, and I know the only way to take in this experience is to completely let go of any control I foolishly thought I had. If I can do that, I just might be able to have some funnnnn.

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I am completely in love with the emblem I found for this blog. I am probably making myself susceptible to some kind of copyright infringement by using it, because it’s not mine and I didn’t design it, but I feel like I was meant to find it. That will hold up well in court right? :) It’s a silhouette of a matryoshka doll, which in Russian comes from a root word meaning “mother.” Inside the figure are mountains, hills, and a maze of what I imagine to be footpaths all stretching in different directions. When I look at this image I see a pilgrimage, a long and arduous journey to a sacred place. I see divine order in chaos, I see beauty, I see my journey to motherhood. It’s not straight and simple, and it’s not easy, but the greatest adventures never are.

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If you have kept up on my posts, you might recall me mentioning that prior to undergoing treatments for cervical cancer, I underwent surgery to have my ovaries transposed. This means that in order to keep my ovaries from being affected by the radiation to my cervix, I had them relocated to higher ground out of the “radiation zone” to preserve their quality and function. There was no guarantee this would work, and we were given the option to retrieve and fertilize my eggs prior to treatments to ensure our ability to reproduce. Considering Ryan and I weren’t married yet and wouldn’t be for well over a month, we had zero peace about joining our eggs and sperm together. We both prayed and felt like we were to trust God to protect my ovaries, and surprise! He did :) I have ovulated normally every month for the last 3 years.

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Since meeting with a few fertility doctors we have learned that my doctor not only moved my ovaries high, she was a bit of an over achiever and moved them really high! After three attempts it became obvious that they could not be seen or accessed vaginally, which is an absolute must for the egg monitoring and retrieval process. Luckily, our current fertility doctor, who has the gentlest voice and a strange resemblance to Robin Williams, is also a skilled and experienced surgeon. He assured us that he could safely move my ovaries back down to an accessible location convenient for egg retrieval. Can someone get my ovaries some frequent flier miles please?? The goal is to accomplish this laproscopically, but it may need to be done with a single large cut at the base of my pelvis, which will require a night in the hospital and a bit more of a recovery time. After a few months of processing, planning, and prepping, we have finally scheduled my surgery for January 14^th of 2015.

I am thrilled about this relatively simple solution to making egg retrieval, and ultimately a BABY possible, but I am also scared. To get really real, I have what I can only describe as a gnarly case of PTSD. What I went through 3 years ago, although it felt strangely manageable at the time, left some weighty residual effects on my psyche. I often enter into a complete panic just going to my primary care’s office for an annual check up. I loathe hospitals and if you’re wearing a white coat and stethoscope around your neck you may as well be holding a pitchfork and breathing fire. I had some really rough days within those white walls and those moments have become a lens in which I see all “medical” experiences, both present and future. This is not okay. I know that. And to be honest I have not been diligent at doing my part to slay this monkey on my back, and have gotten myself into an autonomic pattern of fearful and “doom” like thinking. That’s real. But I will not be calcified in this place. This is not who I am and even in the midst of this fear stricken valley, I know God’s plan of redemption for my life is still unfolding just as He planned, I believe that. I believe that in my weakness, He is strong. So I’m going back into those white walls, this time on my own terms, and I’m going to do it afraid. I am believing that in the very place the enemy tried to steal and kill and destroy, God is going to heal, redeem, and restore. And when I don’t believe it I will declare it, and sometimes shout it. Let freedom ring.



Also... pray for me pleaseeeeee :)