Things not to say to an expectant Mother like me

I don’t want to write this post, but at the risk of sounding whiny, bitter, and overly sensitive, I feel I must. I need to talk about the insensitive things people say that I wish they wouldn’t, and the meaningful ways you can love and support a mother who has become so by “unconventional” means. Not just for me, although it is, but for the mother like me that you will one day meet in the future. I think for many, I am the first person in their world to walk through infertility to the degree and length that I have, and to become a mother via gestational surrogacy. At least it seems that way. This means that I get splattered on a lot, gently so, but splattered none the less- by good-hearted, well-intentioned people. I need to preface this by saying 90% of the time I receive nothing but the same congratulatory love, joy, and excitement as anyone else, void of any stingers or splat. That’s why I really debated writing this post. But this week has been rough (it’s only Tuesday), and the truth is I have never felt so vulnerable and broken open before in my life. I have thick skin, but when it comes to my birth story that is soon to reach its culmination and my growing baby, I am raw. So even the seemingly small fleeting comments made without thought can sting, bad, and for way longer than I should allow.

Before I get into it, I need to say that if you’re reading this and you have made one of these comments to me, please do not feel like a burnt turd. I hold zero offense towards you and know with complete conviction your intention was never to hurt me.

“I was going to ask you ___________________ but then I remembered you aren’t pregnant.”

 Most people know I am expecting a child, but apparently there are some people who forget that I am not carrying her. So when they have the epiphany they feel the need to share that they were going to ask how I was feeling, or they were going to ask if I was sleeping okay, or they were going to ask me my birth plan but then….

Listen….I don’t care that you forgot I wasn’t pregnant, but please, you don’t need to let me know that you suddenly remembered again. I know I am not pregnant and don’t need to be reminded. And by all means, you can still ask me how I’m feeling.

“How’s your carrier/ the lady carrying your baby/the surrogate?”

You guys. She has a name, it’s Jessi, and I don’t expect you to remember that, but if you forget, ask and I’ll tell you 100x over no problem, just please use her name when inquiring about how she is doing. (She’s doing fantastic btw).

“Since you won’t be breastfeeding….”

ACTUALLY I will be. There is so much grace here because up until a few years ago, I didn’t know you could induce lactation, but guess what, you can! And I am! Something about having someone make this assumption about how I’m going to be feeding my child and my ability to do it myself just erks me. If you meet a mom who is adopting or using surrogacy, ask…don’t assume. Many mama’s like myself work super super hard pumping around the clock long before their child is even born so they can breastfeed. Give them props! Tell them they are awesome!

Now for the biggest stinger thus far….

“You’re lucky you don’t have to ________________”

You fill in the blank. Give birth, get stretch marks, gain weight….

OUCH. Big freaking ouch. This comment hurts for so many reasons. If you don’t think that I would take a fat ass, stretch marks, and a gruesome labor to have the gift of carrying my child inside of me than you’re crazy. And it's taken some tongue biting to not respond back to this comment..." you're lucky that's all you had to do!." The truth is I have endured more physical and emotional pain-through surgeries, countless pokes, prods, and invasive procedures than I care to recap on. I don’t think there is a soul on this earth that really knows the magnitude of the battle I fought for our daughter apart from my husband, and respectfully I would take a pregnancy, even a really hard one, any day over what I experienced to become a mother.  Please know, I don’t say that boastfully-this is my birth story and I am proud of my scars, the fears I conquered, and the really hard things that I did. 

I don't speak for every expectant mom in my situation, but I do speak for myself when I say I just want to be treated "normal," like any other expectant mother. I'm always open to thoughtful and genuine questions and dialogue, and never want to make people feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me as to not bring unintentional offense. And I especially don't want any mother to feel like they need to "shelter" their pregnancy or birth story from me. I would love to hear your birth story! I am all about touching your rounded stomach and feeling your little move, and I think your belly pics on Instagram are darling! I just want my story to be heard too, and what I carried to be valued. 

Lastly, if you meet a woman who is expecting a child through adoption, surrogacy, or fertility treatments, honor them, rejoice with them, tell them they are a bad ass, buy them coffee, tell them they are glowing, bring them lunch. They likely paid a high price to become a mom and deserve to bask in all the glories of expectant motherhood.